motherhood 9 weeks and counting

little babe came into my world 9 weeks ago 

i went to the doctor a few days after being discharged from the hospital and i had not lost any weight.  the c-section process took such a toll on my body that i had retained tons of liquid and weirdness. a week and a half later i had lost 25 lbs

  i have had a really hard time breast feeding.  i visited lactation consultants a number of times and basically 5 weeks into my painful process discovered my son and i had thrush

 i think both narcotics and pain contributed to a short stint of postpartum depression.  thankfully other drugs and his growth have contributed to our healing

through this nursing process i've realized how valuable my breasts really are in that they DO produce milk


i've also been struck by how obsessed social media seems to be with boobs, since i've had such pain associated with my own

after many agonizing moments my son and i have pretty well figured each other out

now that things are normalizing i'm able to enjoy my son thoroughly.  there must be a specific design to his starting to smile all the time starting at 6 weeks 

 my next task will be figuring out how to balance feeding/loving/caring for my dearest little cutest snookywooky gooogooo baby and feeding/loving/caring for myself and my work


gluten-free dairy-free no-bake mocha cheesecake

i had something like this in a market recently, and my mother-in-law found a recipe and sent it to me


i decided to adapt it since i'm always a little disappointed when a non-dairy sweet is fruit based. sometimes you just want coffee/toffee/chocolate/carmel/vanilla and not strawberry-basil or date/nut


gluten-free, dairy-free, no-bake mocha cheesecake
the filling recipe is adapted from here
the crust is from here

24 whole chocolate gluten-free sandwich cookies

1/4 cup melted non-dairy butter

use food processor to crumb the cookies and add butter until mixed well.  press mixture into a greased spring form pan and put in the fridge while making the filling

1 1/2 cups raw cashews: pour boiling hot water over the cashews, soak for 1 hour, then drain and blend in food processor
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup oil
1 can full fat coconut milk
7 ounces melted chocolate
* 1/4 cup honey or other sweetener

1-2 tablespoons powdered coffee to taste
1 tablespoon vanilla

mix all filling ingredients in food processor and spread over crust in spring form pan. freeze an hour or two then remove from spring form pan. cut and serve

leftovers can be refrozen and thawed when needed, the perfect dessert for last-minute guests!

*depending on how sweet you want it, if using unsweetened chocolate this is necessary, with chocolate chips you can diminish the portion to 1 tablespoon or eliminate it altogether 


#40weeks and counting

the due date has come and gone

laying around waiting for the arrival, and sleeping with the swaddling blanket to imbue it with my pheromones for a little comfort hopefully

cameo cafe selfie in my favorite ridiculous floral high-waisted shorts


i was delighted to find out moths and humans both have meconium as they newly emerge into the world 




we moved recently, and i've had fun taking selfies in new morning diffused light under our amazing tree of heaven outside (otherwise known as a ghetto palm, or tree of hell) 

it's been a kind of long 9 months, but it's flown by, as i'm sure everyone says

i've had fun being a little subversive with my shots, although not as brave to show all of them. it's interesting how many body parts mimic each other

i've still had a bit of morning sickness, but i'm hoping that is on its way out in the next days/weeks depending on when this little bundle decides to emerge

i received one carrier that i had registered for, and it's kind of complicated, so i'm looking for an alternative means of transport. planning is hard in life, no matter how many opinions and preparations you have

 planning for breastfeeding is also a challenge. do i just give my boobs a pep talk?

and the snippets of what to bring to the hospital often repeat, but you never really know what you'll end up wanting, needing or using. life lesson #1 little man. plan but be flexible



i found this book this week, and realized i think i could totally bond with a little dude who wants to learn about this stuff

10 weeks ago in the same spot shows a much smaller belly 

this is what hypnobirthing is leading me to believe is about to happen. i'm welcoming that mindset with open arms



a shining moment

i went to babies r us today, my own personal hell i think, and found these teethers

i had to. #gianthighwaistedridiculousshortsforawatermelonbelly

a selfie in the bathroom at babies r us. all i kept thinking in my head was "one of these things is not like the others." i went to ikea next, still not my favorite, but at least the other moms were also wearing black and had tattoos and looked a little more like my people 

sometimes this is how my belly feels inside--some joy some atomic action


#36 1/2 weeks

i have been tracking my belly growth through photography, though not religiously

it has been as much a surprise honestly as my bike accident was years ago, and i like tracking the change from an observational standpoint as i did for the oral series

i was so unprepared. i thought i would become 4 times the size i started out being, and my purchases of XXL maternity clothing and kaftans that i absolutely swim in have revealed my inability to really see my body clearly

i look forward to examining the process, afterbirth, and what i hope will be my body's return to its former shape, although i know like any other metamorphosis, this experience will forever mark me


#36weeks one month to go!

inspired by frida to wear flowers in my hair. i know babies can be grabby and pulling with long hair, so it's probably good for me to start exploring alternative accessorizing for the coming months/years (no pulling of earrings from my ears or ripping apart of necklaces please!)

yes i am still sick. another woman i met yesterday gained 120 pounds with her only pregnancy, her companion lost weight and was as sick as me all 9 months

 it has definitely been a long road, but i'm glad the end is in sight

dutch baby baby at the original original pancake house

the biggest irony for me is that i can sometimes keep down foods that i have been avoiding for years now (wheat and dairy) that are sugary and easy to digest. while when i try to eat raw vegetables, and healthy options for my baby (and me) they'll stay in my system and eventually leave the way they came. luckily melon and figs and peaches have seemed to be good options

we took a newborn care and breastfeeding class this week

 making me think a bit more about the upcoming last literal push of the process


and daddy was doodling in class