cockney translator

i'm about done with this tangent, but spending a little time in england i came to appreciate the brigham young-in-once a week nature of cockney slang, and this seemed apropos

cockney translator

"pussy horn" = pussy flake of corn

"jesus, you're a picture" (said the blind man) = 

jesus you're a picture (said the bleedin' bacon rind man)

"i can smell you from here" = i can ba hair gel ya from 'ere

"smokin' hot" = smokin' peas in a pot

"i didn't see a ring on that finger. shit. beautiful" =

i didn't clock a highland flin' on that finger. tom brad pitt. beautiful

"your feet are red. you're beautiful. you're the light of my life" =

your plates of meat're red. you're beautiful. you're the bloody isle of wight of me porridge knife

"i happen to like a woman with no makeup or deodorant" = i 'appen ter loike a gooseberry puddin' wif nah makeup or deodorant

"heels on a bike is sexy" = 'eels on a dick van dyke is sexy 

"too bad i can't see that ass naked in the air bouncing on my cock" =

too sorry and sad I can't clock that butte naked in the air bouncin' on me brighton rock

 you're gonna get me hit by a car here! = you're gonna get me 'it by a jam jar 'ere!

tan and tone...no more goatee...how about you? = charlie and tone...na more goatee...'a abaht ya?  

maybe i can hike up that skirt and bend you over for the pounding of a lifetime = maybe I can dick van dike up that skirt and bend ya over for the bloody poundin' of a lifetime.

what charming lads