craigslist regular in pdx


this guy may be my new favorite, although i did wonder if he was going to throw that girl off the cliff at the end

Don't click here - 25 (P-Town)


Alright... Strap yourself in.

I'd begin our first date by picking you up around 8:37. It would would have to be a saturday night because I usually spend my week nights alone, eating pop rocks while watching Jimmy Kimmel. I'd pull up outside your place in my 1988 Toyota Tercel and text you that I've arrived. I know most guys would knock on the door but I want to avoid the awkwardness of meeting your parents/roomate/dog in case you lied in your photos and you actually look kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker (gross).

Anyway, you get to the car but struggle to open the door because some asshole has left 3 months of Subway sandwich wrappers in the passengers seat. I was going to clean out the car before I picked you up but I decided I like the smell.

Once you finally get the door ajar and clear your eyes of my muffler smoke, your ears are filled with the musical stylings of Mclusky's 'To Hell With Good Intentions.' The lyrics "My love is bigger than your love" are shouted over and over. You turn to me as you sit down. You look disgusted but I know you're actually immediately in love. I shift to face you and scream over the blasting music, "Sorry about the wet seat... sunroof leaks." You gag a little. I smile as I shift into drive.

We pull up to the first starbucks I can find and I turn off the engine. You try to convince me to go somewhere else because apparently you use to work here and it'll be "weird." I tell you you're wrong and it'll be funny. You reluctantly get out. Once inside, I spot some old buddies from highschool using the store's free wifi to check out Hentai porn. I'm kind of into that shit so I tell you to order us some coffee and get a table. You look pissed off but I'm really ridiculously good looking so you can't help but accept my proposal.

After waiting alone at an empty table for almost 20 minutes, I finally come over and sit down next to you. I lean forward.

"This place closes in 2 minutes, so we should probably go."

We drive around aimlessly for an hour listening to the same Mclusky song on repeat. You ask if I can switch the song for a bit but I tell you "No. This is a good night driving song." Outside of this, we don't speak. This isn't because you're mad at me for acting absolutely douchetarded or because the music is too migraine-inducingly loud to hear each other... No, this is because true love has no language (I just got chills).

After what seems like an eternity to you, I finally pull up on the peak of a small hill off a quiet side road on Skyline. I get out and, to your complete suprise, walk around to your door and open it for you. You, again, hesitate to get out.

I take your hand in mind and step close to you. "I'm sorry I've acted like a bag of dicks tonight. I just wasn't sure if I could trust you."
You're confused but completely lost in the moment. All you can stutter is a soft "it's alright." I smile and you melt. I take your arm and begin to pull you towards a trail leading into the woods. "Come with me, I want to show you something."

I take you through the forest and up a steep hill twisting between the greenery. I light the way with my cellphone and you laugh whenever it turns off, leaving us momentarily in darkness. It's magical. As we near a clearing your excitement begins to build. 'Where is this guy taking me?' You don't even care, your enjoying the moment too much.

We reach the top.

You step out of the woods and into the moonlight of a seemingly giant moss-covered rock, hundred's of feet above it's surroundings. I let go of your hand and let you take in the setting. It's the most stunning place you've ever been.

"This is my favorite spot in the city," I tell you. "It's the only place where you can see something beautiful in every direction."

"It's perfect" you reply.

I take a seat on a smooth rock. You walk over and sit down next to me. "I was not expecting this an hour ago. I'm really glad I stayed with you."

I turn to face you. "Me too."

Our eyes lock. For the first time in your mess of a life, you feel like you've found something really special, something that could make even the most difficult of days worth getting up for. If for only just a moment, you are happy.

The sound of my voice interrupts your thoughts. "Look. Before we go any farther with this, there's something I should tell you."

You try to sound confident but inside you're terrified of what I might say. "...what is it?"

I take a deep breath. "Alright, well...
In West Philadelphia I was born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days.
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin all cool, And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school.
When a couple of guys who were up to no good,
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared,
And said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."
I whistled for a cab, and when it came near,
The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror.
If anything I could say that this cat was rare,
But I thought "Nahhh forget it, Yo home to Bel Air."
I pulled up to the house about seven or eight,
and I yelled to the cabby "Yo homes, smell ya later."
Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there,
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air."


p.s. Full disclosure: I don't actually live in swanky Bel Air, California. Also, I don't have a bona fide royal heritage to brag about. While what I wrote is what I would imagine is a pretty typical craigslist kind of date, this is very nearly the exact opposite of what an actual date with me is actually like (actually).











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